You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
