perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
