god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
