I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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