In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
