We're facebook friends in real life
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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