you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
