i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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