ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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