we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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