She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He did a backflip because drugs
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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