i think i have two assholes
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
