Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I touched a dick in church today
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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