So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
