I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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