I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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