She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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