I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
