highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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