So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
