You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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