I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
