is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
