Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
