Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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