I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
