Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
