Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
