another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
