after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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