You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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