Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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