Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My ATM looks so different sober.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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