Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
