Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
