i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
