life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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