You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
