I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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