is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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