If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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