Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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