i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
