the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
