I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
