My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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