I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
