theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
