Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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