NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
