Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it