Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups