Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!