he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
