I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
